I hate to start this blog on such a negative note, but as we know from the examples of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Greta Thurnburg and of course, Lizzo, speaking truth to power isn’t always peachy. Here are the horrifying facts:  In the year 2023, you can still be mind-raped for simply reminding people that your androgynous zone has a different set of pronouns (Vejazz/Trimtag) than the rest of your being. (Zie/Zim, Zir/Zis)

So to all you bigots out there, and to even people who have seen the light dark (Sorry for being anti-POC. “Light,” as in “white,” should never be the standard of goodness. It is the very opposite) let’s lay out the situation clearly.  For while things clearly are better with Blumfy-Dumfy, Orange Cheeto Nazi gone, in the structurally racist, bigoted and cis/white supremacy normative society of the United Snakes of Amerofascism, we have a huge structural flaw the needs to be fixed….NOW!

…And it is this! While we may have more than 18,000 McDonald’s, more than 15,000 Starbucks, and at least four Wal-Mart’s for every county in this country where BMI averages over 32.5 (Fat shaming!) there simply aren’t enough crisis centers to deal with the toxic fumes, funneling like coal powerplants, from our hate-maxed, heteronormative society!! By my estimation, our country needs at least 1,345,000 new crisis centers that deal with just some of the following transgressions:

The Crisis Center for Victims of Ballsack Supremency

The patriarchy wants you to believe that men have a right to protect the source of all our toxic masculinity. Newsflash to all you ladies out there: We don’t! Look, god or the flying spaghetti monster in the sky (Shout out to my Reddit ‘theists!) designed men this way for a reason. Giving a man a swift kick in the gonads is the only thing that can come close to evening the score in this male dominated society.  It should be a 50-state mandate (Do it twice for the man in Texas and Florida!) that all men who look at the female species with lust in there eyes, or spread out on public seating, need to be kicked directly where we can really feel it. As for those harry, overbearing, unwashed orbitals of male hegemony, isn’t the idea that men can just spread them wherever they want, loosey goosey, just define what male, hetero-normative, hate-maxing is all about? Survey says: Yes!

The Crisis Center for Victims of Societal Shunning Against 30+ Year-Old Anime Fans

They say we are all childless man-children, who are into weird shit like tentacle or My Little Pony porn. That might be true, but anime has nothing to do with it!  Furthermore, why don’t you go right off and fuck yourself, breeders! 

The Crisis Center for Victims of Visual Ignorance

Some beings exist, and are crying out to be noticed, but you simply can’t see them. Your visual ignorance doesn’t make them any less valid or legitimate.  I’m sure you think racism doesn’t exist either, just because you can’t always see it right in front of you! Punch yourself in the dick, you ignorant, cisgendered piece of shit!

The Crisis Center for Victims of Discrimination Against Premature Ejaculators

I thought we were a nation of risk-takers and fast movers, but I guess not! In every other facet of life, operating from the hip, getting to the point quickly, and shooting our shot is encouraged.  But our speed in this area makes us discriminated against? What the hell! There are so many things wrong with society.

The Crisis Center for People who Never get to Finish a Story

So here we are, in the middle of a field, when all of a sudden in the corner of my eye, I see movement in the distance.  Speaking of distance, have you seen these new distance glasses I’m wearing? Really has changed my life. No longer do I have to squint or miss the joke entirely when reading Big Nate in the Sunday funnies. Anyways, …back to that field, it appeared that the Honey Badger that I was looking at, Honey Badger not being the formal name of the creature, but rather a caricature of the original name…wait. Are you dozing off?! Fuck you!!!

The Crisis Center for Those Living with the Stigma of Female Assigned, Erectile Dysfunction

Holy shit! I can’t believe it’s 2023, and these hard-headed science deniers are still pretending that female E.D. doesn’t exist! We are all grown-ups here, so hopefully, I don’t need to walk you through a long, drawn-up explanation, of just how and why female E.D. does exist. Just know that you are exactly why this crisis center needs to exist. FUCK YOU!!!

The Crisis Center for Beings with Misidentified Body Parts

Roses are red, violets are blue, for some people a toe is their elbow, you know that it’s true. Reject the quasi-normative, “head on top, two feet on the ground” fascism from your life, RIGHT NOW!!!!

The Crisis Center for Victims of Discrimination Against Northwest Ontario, Pan-Sexual, Non-Binary, One-Armed, Skat Fetish Enthusiasts

If you are one of the thousands of Pan-Sexual, Non-Binary Xe or Xers who with only one good arm, have the physical and mental fortitude to engage in consensual and completely healthy skat play during coitus, rim jobs, Swedish Breakfasts, cunnilingus, or simply, “solo work” you are doing nothing wrong! And yet for the past 100 years, the good Ze/hirs of Northwest Ontario from Fort Severn to Kasabonika, Winisk to even the liberal enclave of Wegamow Lake, have faced untold discrimination, social shunning and cis-gendered persecution from their local community, just for living their best lives. This wasn’t right then, and it sure as shit (Skat-fetish enthusiasts, we love you!) isn’t right now. We really thought you were better, Canada. CHANGE THIS NOW!!!!   

The Crisis Center for Bostonian’s who Derive Sexual Pleasure from Pogo Sticks, but can’t get them because of supply chain shortages

In Beantown, the struggle is real! True pogo-plowers know that computer images of those lusty, lubed, slide shafts, traction pegs, and those sultry, sensuous grip tips, are just not good enough. We need the real thing, and umm, a good solid three hours by ourselves, ..RIGHT NOW!! FIX THIS TODAY BIIIIDEEEEENNN!

The Crisis Center for Victims of Discrimination Against Pedophiles:

Nah. Fuck that.