Your mid-20’s is the last time it will be acceptable. By your late-20’s, constantly posting about these things will already raise some eyebrows and be considered borderline at best. However, if you’re 30+ and you are still posting about the mundane nuances of your life, (Me and Stacy went out to lunch and tried the new gluten-free Pizza! Wowzers!) constantly making political diatribes, (Guilty!) reposting memes, posting horoscopes or the lowest of the low, reposting the results of online personality quizzes (What Disney character am I most likely to fingerbang!) you have completely lost your marbles and are staring down a pharonic void or emptiness.
Let’s be 100% clear: If you aren’t doing the majority of your Facebook posting about your married “significant other” and/or your kids by your 30’s, you are a certified weirdo. It takes one to know one, right? So even I, a completely unabashed certified weirdo, and someone who is typically a contrarian, and nowhere close to having a wife or kids, will say so.
But why?
Well, let’s think about this. If you aren’t a Trophy-Winning/Chad/Breeder, (which again, I certainly am not) what the fuck are you doing spending all your energy on something designed for Zoomers who need a dopamine rush, anyways? You should be using all of that energy, I mean all of it, trying to have fun, making career advancement/connections or learning a skill. Social media posturing is a kids game, as it always should be. The more you behave like a kid, especially when you don’t have one yourself, the bigger a loser you make yourself look. Harsh but true.
I mean at the end of the day, maybe you truly believe there are thirty-eight genders, but even the most “progressive” people I know still have that primordial, some might even call, “Caveman” thinking in the back of their head.
Making babies and getting down with the get down is how we survived as a species. It’s how one generation begat the next generation in the stream of life we call civilization. It’s why old folks will have the biggest smile on their face when they see their grandchildren, going so far as to even break out the top shelf, Werther’s Original, and not the bullshit, sugar-free version of the candy, to give to those precious grandkids. That’s why it’s really the only thing that people at your age, really want to hear about, from you.
And yeah, I see people all the time who should be posting less, instead doing the very opposite.
Take for example those fine folks who post pictures of their “fur babies,” fifteen times a day. Your friends aren’t going to tell you this, so I will. What you are doing is pure cringe. I love dogs, and I love your lil’ Fluffer, but Fluffer isn’t going to carry on your family name when you die. Furthermore, and this is only an opinion, (The rest of what I wrote here are Certified Facts™) but I think a lot of people who aren’t married or don’t have kids at this age try to make up for lacking those things by going “Super Saiyan” mode, and kicking their status update game into supernova. “You know I might not have a family at this age, but I am having a super-fun, and well-adjusted life. Here are six daily posts from me that show just how much fun I am having!”
Stop. It’s a bad look. You are trying way too hard. By this age you are nakedly revealing a major mid-life crisis for all to see. By this age you should also certainly know better. We don’t need a Walter Cronkite-level dissertation of your daily happenings.
So like Moses, I’ll go to the mountaintop once again, proclaiming it to the heavens using both Shofar and soundboards! You have nothing to post at all by the time you are 30+ unless you are: A. posting pictures and updates about your kids or wife, or B. posting about getting married or showing pictures of said marriage.
Let’s explain part B. a little more, shall we? Under guidelines for 30+ year-old social media standards & usage, subsection 364, posting about marriage is acceptable under the following clause: “Your chance of having babies, and having them in a stable, conducive environment, goes up exponentially, once you get married.”
As Fauci would say, this is simply “settled science,” although this time it actually is.
So there it is. In the great orator tradition of that midget Ben Shapiro, we have just used facts and logic to demonstrate beyond any reasonable doubt, that unless it is pictures of your wife, wedding, or kids, you should for the most part, shut the fuck up on social media.
I want to also thank you for likely finding this through the link I sent on Facebook. Pariah out!
The True Pariah 